For so much of my life, I have spent so much energy always trying to be happy. When something sad in my life happened, I would just choose not to think about it, so I wouldn't be wasting minutes of my life unhappy, when I could be happy. These thoughts would continually knock at my brain, trying desperately to be let in, to be acknowledged. And I would continue to keep them locked out. Eventually, time would lessen the pain associated with what ever event or thought it was that I was trying to avoid, and I could find myself thinking about it without feeling sad or anxious. I thought I had it all figured out.
Today, I began packing up all of my belongings from my room in the basement to make room for my brother to take it over when I leave. At first, it was a chore. It was something I had to get out of the way before I left. But as I emptied out my closet, and put all of my little ornaments and picture frames into boxes, an uncomfortable sadness started to bubble up deep in my belly. Instinctively, I turned my thoughts away from everything I was leaving behind. I turned on a happy song, turned it up, and continued with my chore.
Eventually, the song ended, and I was once again alone with this feeling. The back of my throat was aching, and I knew if I let myself, tears would start to form in my eyes. And at that moment, I thought "This is sad. I'm not just packing up a room, I am closing a chapter of my life. A chapter that held so much growth, and change. These last four years have been some of the best years of my life, and now, I have to let them go." And I decided to allow myself to feel the sadness. I sat down on the floor of my bedroom, and I cried. I cried for all the great times I had sitting on the floor of that bedroom with friends. I cried for the mornings (and afternoons) I spent in that room too hungover to move. I cried for all the times I came home late at night after an exhausting day, and my bed in that room was all I wanted in that moment. For the first time in a long time, I allowed myself to feel sad.
And soon enough, just as quickly as they started, my tears dried up. I expected to feel spent. To still feel sad and want, even less than before, to continue with this terrible job. But to my surprise, I felt amazing. It was like all the sadness I was holding in was released in the form of tears. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my of heart. I no longer had to try to force the thoughts out of my head, because they didn't cause me pain anymore. I had let go.
So today I learned a lesson. Sadness is an emotion for  a reason. I am allowed to feel sad. In fact, I am supposed to feel sad! We all are! How else will we know when we're losing or letting go of something that really mattered? As long as I can eventually let go, and know that this feeling can't last forever, It's healthy to be sad. It's more that just healthy, it's human.