Mourning a relationship is a strange feeling. It's hard to mourn an intangible thing. You can't reach out and touch a relationship, yet when it's gone, it feels like a physical thing has left your life.
It feeds on love. When the love is abundant and pure, the relationship is like full, healthy, pink lungs. Inhaling and exhaling. Providing the rest of the body with the energy it needs to survive. It receives the love circulates it, basks in it, and radiates it outwards.
But sometimes, even with all the love, other, negative things can start to build up. Like the beginnings of cancer on healthy lungs. Jealousy, envy, insecurity. Slowly but surely, diminishing the efficiency. Suddenly, the love doesn't flow so freely any more. It is obstructed.
And other times, there simply isn't enough love to keep the relationship healthy. It begins to suffocate and wither. Whether the love is diminishing from one side or both. Eventually, the lungs will stop There's nothing left to breathe.
But even healthy lungs can suddenly stop. For no apparent reason. It can't be explained. They just collapse.
Whether there have been signs, a time to prepare, or the relationship just ends abruptly, leaving you wondering what on earth went wrong, it hurts either way. It may have been a defective relationship, but it was a part of you. A living, breathing, part of your life. And when it's gone. There is a hole in your chest. Where you used to feel light and love, you now feel empty.
Eventually, the space will grow smaller and smaller. The pain will lessen with everyday that passes. But it seems as though there will always be a little hole there. A little reminder of what once lived there.
One day, a new relationship will take it's place. New lungs will develop. With every inhale, growing stronger. You will remember what it's like to be filled with love and light. Hopefully the new even greater than the old. But you will always have the scar. The reminder of what was wrong. Helping you to truely appreciate the healthy, full, pink lungs.
Tuesday 29 April 2014
Tuesday 22 April 2014
Here and Now
Every once and a while, I get this feeling of utter calmness. I feel in that particular moment, I am exactly where I'm meant to be. It feels so peaceful, I'm almost afraid to move, lest I break the spell.
I have been getting that feeling more and more lately. As I lay on a rooftop in Spain, listening to music, in the company of an American guy and a Dutch girl. No one talking. All of us just sharing the space. Each of us doing our own thing, but together. Each of us with our own past. Each of us with our own story that lead us here, to this place. Together.
I spent a good deal of energy in the last three weeks trying to focus on the present. We would meditate for half an hour every morning, and it never came easily to me. I had so much trouble trying not to think about the past, or imagine the future. But then all of a sudden, when I'm not even trying, I find these moments of such calm. I don't have to try to focus on the present, it just happens. I don't care about the past. It doesn't matter what happens in the future. The present just envelopes me. Like the warmth of the sun on your skin, or a cozy blanket on a cold day.
I think that is what is so addictive about travel. At times, you feel the most intense loneliness. It can be a weird feeling, being so far from anyone who knows your past, or who has known you for longer than a few days. But then, all of a sudden, without even realizing it was happening, you are laying on a rooftop in Spain, with two people who don't know your past, who have only known you for a few days, and you feel so incredibly at home. There is no where on earth you would rather be, and no one on earth you would rather be sharing space with. And in that present moment, nothing else matters.
I have been getting that feeling more and more lately. As I lay on a rooftop in Spain, listening to music, in the company of an American guy and a Dutch girl. No one talking. All of us just sharing the space. Each of us doing our own thing, but together. Each of us with our own past. Each of us with our own story that lead us here, to this place. Together.
I spent a good deal of energy in the last three weeks trying to focus on the present. We would meditate for half an hour every morning, and it never came easily to me. I had so much trouble trying not to think about the past, or imagine the future. But then all of a sudden, when I'm not even trying, I find these moments of such calm. I don't have to try to focus on the present, it just happens. I don't care about the past. It doesn't matter what happens in the future. The present just envelopes me. Like the warmth of the sun on your skin, or a cozy blanket on a cold day.
I think that is what is so addictive about travel. At times, you feel the most intense loneliness. It can be a weird feeling, being so far from anyone who knows your past, or who has known you for longer than a few days. But then, all of a sudden, without even realizing it was happening, you are laying on a rooftop in Spain, with two people who don't know your past, who have only known you for a few days, and you feel so incredibly at home. There is no where on earth you would rather be, and no one on earth you would rather be sharing space with. And in that present moment, nothing else matters.
Monday 21 April 2014
Travelling and Falling in Love
Travelling is conducive to love. Quite often, people fall in love with each other while abroad. They are experiencing amazing things together, and often living together as well. It makes perfect sense. Isn't that the whole idea behind honeymoons? Travelling is romantic.
But me? I fall in love with places. I fall in love with the smell of a place. The aroma of food, of fresh ocean air, I have even been known to fall in love with the smell of burning garbage. I fall in love with the way the ground feels under my feet, be it concrete, cobblestone, gravel, or mud. I find myself imagining what it would be like to spend my life in this city or town. I imagine what it would feel like to walk to and from work. To go on a vacation, and dream of calling this place home. I fall in love with the feeling of a place. Some places are laid back, some busy, some quiet. I love them all. I want to experience them all. And not in the travellers sense, spending a few days here, a few days there. I want to live there. I want to find the little local coffee shops that sell the best coffee, but tourists don't know about. I want to learn the local language and converse with the same people every day.
This is why, when offered a week long trial run, teaching yoga at a hostel in Seville, Spain, I jumped at the opportunity. If all goes well, I will be spending the next six weeks here. Living here. Teaching yoga to travellers. Of course it won't be enough time to learn the local language. And the walk to work consists of a flight of stairs. But for a period longer than a few days, I get to call Seville home. Sometimes, a period longer than a few days is all you need to fall head over heels.
But me? I fall in love with places. I fall in love with the smell of a place. The aroma of food, of fresh ocean air, I have even been known to fall in love with the smell of burning garbage. I fall in love with the way the ground feels under my feet, be it concrete, cobblestone, gravel, or mud. I find myself imagining what it would be like to spend my life in this city or town. I imagine what it would feel like to walk to and from work. To go on a vacation, and dream of calling this place home. I fall in love with the feeling of a place. Some places are laid back, some busy, some quiet. I love them all. I want to experience them all. And not in the travellers sense, spending a few days here, a few days there. I want to live there. I want to find the little local coffee shops that sell the best coffee, but tourists don't know about. I want to learn the local language and converse with the same people every day.
This is why, when offered a week long trial run, teaching yoga at a hostel in Seville, Spain, I jumped at the opportunity. If all goes well, I will be spending the next six weeks here. Living here. Teaching yoga to travellers. Of course it won't be enough time to learn the local language. And the walk to work consists of a flight of stairs. But for a period longer than a few days, I get to call Seville home. Sometimes, a period longer than a few days is all you need to fall head over heels.
Monday 14 April 2014
The Eye Contact Phobia
Today was my favourite day of training so far, and quite possibly one of my favourite days of my life.
We finished up with our last anatomy session, and with that came a strange realization. This is almost over. Soon, we'll all be parting ways. Some of us back home, back to work. Some of us on to the next adventure. But none of us together. In a few days, this amazing family we have built will be saying goodbye.
After the anatomy session was over, our instructor invited us to stand in two lines, facing each other. We were then instructed to look into the eyes of the person opposite us for 5 breaths, and read what their eyes were saying. Then, one line would shift, and you would find yourself reading a new set of eyes. At first, it was a little awkward. We would giggle and shift our gaze. But it seemed odd to me. It was only 5 breaths. Why was it so difficult to hold eye contact for 5 breaths with these people I have become so intimate with in the last two weeks? So, as I have done so many times in this training so far, I welcomed the discomfort. I opened my eyes, held my gaze steady, and breathed. By the time we got to the end of the line, I was overcome with emotion. Suddenly, I felt that I knew these women (and man), on such a deeper level than I had before that exercise. And no words were exchanged. But our souls had spoken to each other. And that was such a deeper connection than any words can make.
Eye contact is so under rated in society today. It's so strange how people avoid it. They look anywhere but your eyes. Strangers will stare at the floor for an entire hour long bus ride if it means they don't have to look into another person's eyes. But when we get past this strange phobia and really take a minute to look into another person's eyes, it is truly amazing the things you see. Things that words alone can not express. It's a language of its own. The language that all living things can "speak".
I challenge you to try it. Next time you're talking to someone, resist the urge to look away. Look into their eyes. What is their soul telling you?
We finished up with our last anatomy session, and with that came a strange realization. This is almost over. Soon, we'll all be parting ways. Some of us back home, back to work. Some of us on to the next adventure. But none of us together. In a few days, this amazing family we have built will be saying goodbye.
After the anatomy session was over, our instructor invited us to stand in two lines, facing each other. We were then instructed to look into the eyes of the person opposite us for 5 breaths, and read what their eyes were saying. Then, one line would shift, and you would find yourself reading a new set of eyes. At first, it was a little awkward. We would giggle and shift our gaze. But it seemed odd to me. It was only 5 breaths. Why was it so difficult to hold eye contact for 5 breaths with these people I have become so intimate with in the last two weeks? So, as I have done so many times in this training so far, I welcomed the discomfort. I opened my eyes, held my gaze steady, and breathed. By the time we got to the end of the line, I was overcome with emotion. Suddenly, I felt that I knew these women (and man), on such a deeper level than I had before that exercise. And no words were exchanged. But our souls had spoken to each other. And that was such a deeper connection than any words can make.
Eye contact is so under rated in society today. It's so strange how people avoid it. They look anywhere but your eyes. Strangers will stare at the floor for an entire hour long bus ride if it means they don't have to look into another person's eyes. But when we get past this strange phobia and really take a minute to look into another person's eyes, it is truly amazing the things you see. Things that words alone can not express. It's a language of its own. The language that all living things can "speak".
I challenge you to try it. Next time you're talking to someone, resist the urge to look away. Look into their eyes. What is their soul telling you?
Monday 7 April 2014
Family Everywhere
It's not very often that you know while something is happening that it is one of the most important experiences of your life. But when it happens, you want to milk every second.
I've been at my yoga teacher training now for 10 days. I can not believe it has only been 10 days. It feels like it's been at least a month. I feel like a completely different person than I was 10 days ago when I first arrived in this unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people. This place is my home now, and these people my family.
We start off every morning with a half hour of meditation from 7-7:30, followed by two and a half hours of yoga practice. For the first few days, I would wake up and think, "I just have to make it to 10:00. After that, I just have to sit and listen to lecture. I just have to make it through meditation and practice."
But slowly, without me even noticing, practice and meditation became my favourite part of the day. I look forward to finding out what the theme of the practice will be every day. Although it can be really difficult sometimes when my muscles are screaming at me to get out of a pose and my determination is screaming at me to stay in it, I absolutely love it. I love the mind over matter battle.
I also can not believe how much I have learned in 10 short days. Three days ago, we had to teach for the first time. Ten minutes of some variation of sun salutations. I didn't even plan anything because I thought ten minutes was trivial. Of course I could teach ten minutes. I got through five and I drew a blank. Suddenly I couldn't for the life of me think of a yoga pose. Of all the hundreds of classes and thousands of times I have been cued into a pose in my life, I couldn't think of one. Today, I taught a half hour. And it was easy! How did that happen in three days!?
I remember the judgements I had when I first got here. Someone would say something and I would immediately think "Well I don't like that person. I'll be avoiding them." And for the first few days, I did. Every time a person I decided I didn't like would speak, I would get annoyed. And somehow, in the last few days, that has changed too. All of a sudden I realized that getting annoyed with someone for the person they were was hurting them and me. You can feel it when someone doesn't like you. You can feel the negative energy. And for what purpose? So I decided to seek out these people and talk to them. And much to my surprise, it turns out I do like them! Every single person here is kind hearted and has something to offer me.
I know that when I leave here and return to regular life, it's going to be much harder to live like this. I know that it won't take long for my old habits to creep back. But at least I have the awareness now that I can do it. I can get past these immediate judgements I make and be much happier on the other side. Although it may take time and a lot of effort to break these habits I've had for my whole life, awareness that I can is the first step.
I'm one third of the way through my training and I've learned so much. I've learned so much about being a yoga teacher, but more than that, I've learned so much about myself. I truly can not wait to see what the next two weeks will teach me. I love this thing we call life.
I've been at my yoga teacher training now for 10 days. I can not believe it has only been 10 days. It feels like it's been at least a month. I feel like a completely different person than I was 10 days ago when I first arrived in this unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people. This place is my home now, and these people my family.
We start off every morning with a half hour of meditation from 7-7:30, followed by two and a half hours of yoga practice. For the first few days, I would wake up and think, "I just have to make it to 10:00. After that, I just have to sit and listen to lecture. I just have to make it through meditation and practice."
But slowly, without me even noticing, practice and meditation became my favourite part of the day. I look forward to finding out what the theme of the practice will be every day. Although it can be really difficult sometimes when my muscles are screaming at me to get out of a pose and my determination is screaming at me to stay in it, I absolutely love it. I love the mind over matter battle.
I also can not believe how much I have learned in 10 short days. Three days ago, we had to teach for the first time. Ten minutes of some variation of sun salutations. I didn't even plan anything because I thought ten minutes was trivial. Of course I could teach ten minutes. I got through five and I drew a blank. Suddenly I couldn't for the life of me think of a yoga pose. Of all the hundreds of classes and thousands of times I have been cued into a pose in my life, I couldn't think of one. Today, I taught a half hour. And it was easy! How did that happen in three days!?
I remember the judgements I had when I first got here. Someone would say something and I would immediately think "Well I don't like that person. I'll be avoiding them." And for the first few days, I did. Every time a person I decided I didn't like would speak, I would get annoyed. And somehow, in the last few days, that has changed too. All of a sudden I realized that getting annoyed with someone for the person they were was hurting them and me. You can feel it when someone doesn't like you. You can feel the negative energy. And for what purpose? So I decided to seek out these people and talk to them. And much to my surprise, it turns out I do like them! Every single person here is kind hearted and has something to offer me.
I know that when I leave here and return to regular life, it's going to be much harder to live like this. I know that it won't take long for my old habits to creep back. But at least I have the awareness now that I can do it. I can get past these immediate judgements I make and be much happier on the other side. Although it may take time and a lot of effort to break these habits I've had for my whole life, awareness that I can is the first step.
I'm one third of the way through my training and I've learned so much. I've learned so much about being a yoga teacher, but more than that, I've learned so much about myself. I truly can not wait to see what the next two weeks will teach me. I love this thing we call life.
Sunday 6 April 2014
Happiness Now
Wanting wanting wanting. We always want what we don't have. That new fancy car, that hot guy always flirts with you at yoga class, a fitter body, longer hair, nicer skin, the list goes on and on.
The funny thing is, once we get these things, they never seem so important anymore. You save up for years. You say, "I'll be happy when I get that car." And when you finally do get it, maybe you're excited for a while. You feel great driving around in it. But eventually the excitement wears off. And soon, it's just your car and you're wanting something else. You tell yourself "I'll be happy when I have that."
The problem is that we are always projecting our happiness into the future. We are never satisfied with the present moment. The truth is, nothing in the external world can make us happy. If we continue to seek happiness from the external world, we will continue to be disappointed. True happiness is within you, and it exists all the time.
Of course, you can't change the habit of wanting over night. We've spent our entire lives seeking happiness in possessions. But next time you think, "I'll be happy when...," just pause for a minute. Will you really? Or will it give you a temporary thrill, soon to be followed by a want of something else? Stop and think of all the amazing things you have in life. Think of how truly lucky you are just to wake up every morning. Begin to practice gratitude. Seek the happiness that is in every moment of every day. It exists. It's there. You just have to feel it.
The funny thing is, once we get these things, they never seem so important anymore. You save up for years. You say, "I'll be happy when I get that car." And when you finally do get it, maybe you're excited for a while. You feel great driving around in it. But eventually the excitement wears off. And soon, it's just your car and you're wanting something else. You tell yourself "I'll be happy when I have that."
The problem is that we are always projecting our happiness into the future. We are never satisfied with the present moment. The truth is, nothing in the external world can make us happy. If we continue to seek happiness from the external world, we will continue to be disappointed. True happiness is within you, and it exists all the time.
Of course, you can't change the habit of wanting over night. We've spent our entire lives seeking happiness in possessions. But next time you think, "I'll be happy when...," just pause for a minute. Will you really? Or will it give you a temporary thrill, soon to be followed by a want of something else? Stop and think of all the amazing things you have in life. Think of how truly lucky you are just to wake up every morning. Begin to practice gratitude. Seek the happiness that is in every moment of every day. It exists. It's there. You just have to feel it.
Thursday 3 April 2014
If you want something bad enough, you have to work for it.
When I left for my training, my teacher's manual hadn't arrived yet. I figured it wasn't such a big deal, according to the website, I could buy it at the shop when I arrived. Upon arrival, I learned that they had run out of them, and wouldn't be getting any more in until I was gone. So I opted for the second best option, the ebook copy. I paid $26, and low and behold, it wouldn't download onto my iPad.
Meanwhile, we're learning at least 5 poses a day, the sanskrit names, the proper alignment, the cues, and one or two assists per pose. By day three, I was in full panic mode. I felt like I was falling further and further behind, and couldn't see a way out. Since deciding I wanted to do teacher training a year ago, my desire to teach yoga has just grown, and with it, my desire to do a good job. I felt like this was my opportunity to learn everything I need and it was slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it.
But as it always does, the universe prevailed. I have a book of daily meditations. Sometimes they resonate with me, and sometimes they don't. On this particular day, I got exactly the message I needed.
"Sometimes, the road ahead is blocked, but clearing the way becomes part of our journey. Learn to tell when it's time to let go, to surrender, to search for another road, a different path, another dream. But also learn to tell when it's time to move forward, through obstacles if need be, because the dream is electric, charged by Divine energy and love."
I read and reread that passage over and over. This is my absolute dream. There are parts of this training that aren't exactly what I was expecting. If I could, there are certainly things I would change, and if I let them, they get under my skin. But I just have to remember to take a deep breath and go with the journey. Take it as it comes because it is all important. If I want this bad enough, and I know I do, it will all work out. With or without the manual, I will become a teacher, and I know I will do a good job because I won't settle for anything less. If I have to work extra hard to keep up, I will do it. And I will be better for it in the end.
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. All the obstacles I encounter are there to teach me something. And though it may be hard to see the purpose at first, eventually I will know why, and I will be eternally thankful for each and every one of them.
When I left for my training, my teacher's manual hadn't arrived yet. I figured it wasn't such a big deal, according to the website, I could buy it at the shop when I arrived. Upon arrival, I learned that they had run out of them, and wouldn't be getting any more in until I was gone. So I opted for the second best option, the ebook copy. I paid $26, and low and behold, it wouldn't download onto my iPad.
Meanwhile, we're learning at least 5 poses a day, the sanskrit names, the proper alignment, the cues, and one or two assists per pose. By day three, I was in full panic mode. I felt like I was falling further and further behind, and couldn't see a way out. Since deciding I wanted to do teacher training a year ago, my desire to teach yoga has just grown, and with it, my desire to do a good job. I felt like this was my opportunity to learn everything I need and it was slipping away and there was nothing I could do about it.
But as it always does, the universe prevailed. I have a book of daily meditations. Sometimes they resonate with me, and sometimes they don't. On this particular day, I got exactly the message I needed.
"Sometimes, the road ahead is blocked, but clearing the way becomes part of our journey. Learn to tell when it's time to let go, to surrender, to search for another road, a different path, another dream. But also learn to tell when it's time to move forward, through obstacles if need be, because the dream is electric, charged by Divine energy and love."
I read and reread that passage over and over. This is my absolute dream. There are parts of this training that aren't exactly what I was expecting. If I could, there are certainly things I would change, and if I let them, they get under my skin. But I just have to remember to take a deep breath and go with the journey. Take it as it comes because it is all important. If I want this bad enough, and I know I do, it will all work out. With or without the manual, I will become a teacher, and I know I will do a good job because I won't settle for anything less. If I have to work extra hard to keep up, I will do it. And I will be better for it in the end.
Everything that happens, happens for a reason. All the obstacles I encounter are there to teach me something. And though it may be hard to see the purpose at first, eventually I will know why, and I will be eternally thankful for each and every one of them.
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